and i thought the monsters in the closet was reason enough.

i think i'm scared more than anything.
scared of failing or scared of loosing everything. i'm scared of good days that end up going wrong. i'm scared of not being good enough for someone. i'm scared of the hurt at the end. i'm scared of people taking a judgement on me. i'm scared of finding things out. i'm scared of not having someone when i will need them most. i'm scared of thinking too much of myself, when i feel like i'm nothing at all. i'm scared to try everything that i dream.

but ultimately, at times i'm just scared of life and of ending up wasting my life being scared.
and that more than anything, scares me the most.

i really shouldn't be.

i used to be a dreamer.

those days. grey days. the days where it's hard to wake up. you get tired of waking up. to will yourself. the feeling that questions: 'what really are you doing?' no emotions, the tears can't come, laughter pushed out. that you are clueless and floating, with no one and nothing to hold you down, keeping you moving.

these are the days i hate the most.

i want to be someone you miss.

i miss it.

i miss the hours of phonecalls at 1am. the way you came to my door and suprised me. the way we lay side by side, talking. just knowing you were there. the way you held me. the way you kept me warm. the way i wore your t-shirts to bed. how nice you were to my parents. our little traditions. the sound of your voice. the way you smiled. the way you ran like you could fall over any second. the way you held my hand in your pocket. the way you loved me. the way you made me feel like the happiest girl alive.


i sometimes wonder if it was real. if maybe you're thinking these things too.




but i know you're not, and i wish i wasn't either.