there are no other words really.

i'm just sorry.

i'm getting to the point where i don't have enough of me to catch everything.

i don't know what's happening. 

life is moving. constantly.

and i'm running behind.

in a trance of work, cultery, parties and people. 

i don't know how much longer i can continue.

i'm scared.

i'm scared i'm going to break again. 

i'm in a state where nothing seems real anymore.

a state of tiredness and exhaustion. 

and maybe, just maybe, none of this is real.

and at any second, 

i may wake, 

with tears streaming down

and the world a little brighter. 

the worst part is that i have everything i've been hoping for.

it can be from the sound of my favourite song on the radio, to the t-shirt hanging on next door's washing line.

there have been countless times when a person has stated that i am "pleased very easily" or "it's not hard to make me laugh". 

and i guess this is true.

but it's the way i get through things. 

finding the simple things in life really make the amazing things seem even more phenomenal. 

i need something to make me smile every day.

after all, there's no point of having it, if it's never to be used.  

and i don't think i could live any other way. 

i could really do with a third conscience right about now.

unfortunately, my head and my heart don't run down the same line. 

they are confused and scared and untrustworthy. 

so for this afternoon, i'm just going to work and let my brain tick on round, and my heart beat. 

because quite frankly, i have no clue what else to do.

i'd quite like to run, but i'm too tired for such things.

clocks roll back; so does my mind.

when i was younger, 

and stress was non-existant,

and homework consisted of reading a few pages of a book every night.

 our family would always sit down,

on the day the clocks went back,

to watch a cheesy family film,

and outside as the world got cold and dark around us on that october evening, 

we would just sit, and watch, together, in the warm of the sofa.

it's not the longest lasting memory or worth much. but i do miss it.

and if i start bouncing around with joy over this time of the year, you know why. 

the world becomes a little more like magic. and i love it.

 

farewell summer, hello winter. <3

i'll toast to the freedom! but not to the aftermath.

the world is better

when your head is spinning.

and nothing can focus.

and your thoughts have no way in.

your floating. on a cloud of infinite possibility. 

perfection is possible. 

it peels away the barriors.

but then reality returns.

like a cool, slow rain on a cold day. 

unwelcoming.

and the walls pile back up. 

it was good while it lasted.

outside, the clouds were rolling by. while inside, we were lazing on sofa's.

i do spend too much of my time, thinking, or planning, or wondering.

maybe of how i want everything to be. to turn out. 

my regrets.

instead of living for this second. right now. 

this second has been a long time coming

and though it passes as soon as it reaches us. in a flash.

through a bundle of them, we can live our many possibilities,

of hope or desire, or a little bit of happiness sprinkled in.

time is magical. and it's there. to heal, to scar, to smile or cry through. 

it will always be ticking on by. and i guess it's a pretty stable thing to rely on. 

it will take away our bad times, while providing us with a new day.

 

today was a new kind of day. i felt free; impulsive; like i could let go of everything, and it wouldn't spiral out of control. 

that i could manage it all.

and my heart has opened a little. 

and i'm starting to feel a little more grounded. 

in a place, that even under all it's mass of crap, might really be quite beautiful.  

love to all my friends and family. you keep me moving. you are all such amazing people. <3

there should really be a balloon, or badge, or somet'.

i logged onto blogger this morning.

and it flashed up 1000 profile views. i know this is insignificant in the great scheme of things, but i did smile to myself.

thank you all for visiting, and reading and projecting your hope to me when i needed it most. 

blogger is like a second home in a way; a family, and i treasure every comment a person posts. 

you are all such truly amazing people.

i'm lucky at times i guess.

i've run out of band-aids.

the pain is torturing my mind and thoughts. 

sleep is all i want, but even that strikes up the hurt. 

my dreams are no longer dreams.

my mind can no longer think.

there is no room. 

stop pulling. just stop.

there is no solution, because this is the solution. 

stop. please stop. 

a hint of a thing they call peacefullness.

this afternoon was beautiful.

lying on a waterproof.

hands running over the grass.

the sound of 'my chemical romance' filling my ears.

feeling the rays hitting the roof of my skin and soaking in, healing in some way. 

feeling the warm breeze roll over me. 

a plane gliding by.

it revitalises.

and makes you see the joy. joy that the world will always provide, away from the mayhem of yesterday and today. 

even it's only once a year, or a minute a week, but the sun will shine.

something to make each one of you smile.

all the hope for today:

once upon a time, i was never tired at bedtime.

it's been a day of lows. a day where everything has hurt, and happiness was just left behind in the crowd.

i need a cold t-shirt. i need my bed. i need a book. i need a plan. 

i need to infuse myself. open my windows wide and feel my cheeks breathing the cool air; drink until i feel cleansed; hug someone until i feel their love; journey back to a time when i wasn't tired or hurting or crying. 

to a time where toys and my younger sister was all that would be needed to make a day 'good'. 

where days were shorter than nights.

where hearing my father coming through the door at eight o'clock would put a smile on my face.

where everything was enjoyed, not analysed.

where my days were simple but beautiful.

and i had all the time in the world before my life needed to begin. 

here's to turning 18 and hitting the adult world with a flying pace.

sorry everyone for the lack of posts recently. 

for the last month, things have been crazy. 

and by crazy i mean:

i am surrounded presently by my filofax, sheets of unfinished college work, unread books, driving lesson times, birthday cards and presents from this weekend, UCAS forms on my internet tab and clothes that are hanging from literally everything. i don't know how i'm still moving. i'm so very tired. but i still seem a mile or two behind. 

i hope things slow down soon, even if it's just for a second. i need to catch a breath.

this is all a vicious circle.

maybe carefully treading around is not the attitude needed.

maybe i should just get out there. 

add more control. 

things shouldn't be always out of my grasp.

i should be capable to lean out and reach them.

balance everything. 

stop blaming others for the worry and fear inside of me. 

stop hiding away. stop thinking about the reasons.

do something about it all.

get moving.

stop thinking that tomorrow will be better, when it won't be. not until i fix my today. 

why not i guess?

why not...

do you remember how it used to be? yes, i miss the simplicity.

the world is spinning too much. 

i can't keep up. 

things are twisting, changing, evolving. 

i'm trapped. 

trapped in the past. 

alone.

washed out.

dis-used.

just tired.

of being the odd one. 

i'm swallowed by self pity and regret. 

i'm going back and forth. 

the inability to seize a moment.

gaining hope, loosing it just as fast. 

i can't hang on much longer. 

my eyes are leaking. 

my smile is fading.

i can't stop my self spinning off and falling again.

i need someone. someone to sweep in. tomorrow would be nice.
and stop me from falling or swaying. to help keep me standing.  


i don't want anyone in the past to come back and hold me. i can't go back there. i'm tired of the past, of my great pile of regrets.  

i need the future's arms to embrace me. find me. save me. soon.

not just for one night. but maybe two for a nice change. 

let's hear it for the seventh day!

i love sundays.

a day singled out during the week. a day that is supposedly assigned as a 'day of rest'.

you hear stories from parents are grandparents stating that this used to be a universal understanding. people spent time with their families, enjoyed each other's company, all shops were closed, many went to church. 

our chaotic lifestyles these days, can take away this peaceful magic of a sunday. 

but something my parents have always been adamant on though, is that a sunday will always remain a sunday:

lie-ins.

sunday dinner, huge roast with a bucketful of gravy.

lazing in the garden, listening to cricket, during a british summer.

hauled inside, watching a movie, during a british winter.

visiting the family. 

re-charging for the forthcoming monday. 

and i'm very glad they agree.

i've been, and returned, and enjoyed.

going away, even to a familiar place, is the best way to cleanse your soul. 

breathe in the salty air,

allow the sun to warm you,

re-acquaint yourself with 'family fun',

eat your favourite foods,

add a dose of heritage and history to your sight and mind,

experience the different pace of life.

the refreshing feeling of being separated from chaos and routine, even if it's only for a week, is always wonderful.

one day things will fall quiet, and we may just have it all.

we can all go crazy.

act without a care.

stand independently. 

stand invincible to the hurt.

get drunk.

get stupid.

sleep the days away. 

laugh until it hurts.

cry in the same way.

but deep down we all never remove that need for a person to truly care. 

in a way that isn't as perfect as movie love, but is as true as reality can make it. and i guess that's what keeps us breathing. with that hope that things improve and can happen. and sometimes that beautiful realisation can be in the smallest moment. sometimes all it takes is a kind word, a grey t-shirt and a set of ear-rings. because life can't always disappoint.

................................................................................................................................................................................

sorry for the lack of posts. i've been searching for words that i just couldn't find. 

i just know things are better. i'm better. things have changed and evolved, but i'm happy.

my fear is subsiding oh so slowly. i don't think i'm returning to who i was, because now i believe that no-one really can. we change. it's the inevitable. and maybe that really is okay.

thank you to all have commented on posts recently. i love you all. 

puppet master, please stop tugging on these strings.

ever get that split second feeling? you know the one where it feels like you're not in control of your body, as if you're just outside it, floating, understanding, examining. 

that has been me. but for the last four days. i literally don't feel like myself. 

i am asleep. you are moving.

i am numb. you are speaking.

i am crying out. you are taking my air.

everything hurts and aches. i want to cry but the tears are wedged. i am being selfish and argumentative. i am snapping oh so much.

i am battling with my inner-self.

our weirdness is amazingly compatible.

just to say:
the phone networks are better off because of us.

our chats seem to get freakier by the day.

she's enhanced my addiction to blogger.

she's the face on a weekday morning

she's the funniest, prettiest, greatest person (*cough* immortal) around.

just because something has stepped in her way, i know she will still get to where she needs to be someday and have everything she desires, because she sure as hell deserves it. 

we have a mutual love for the tipsy kind of drinks.

we could rant for england.

she'd better make sure that there is a space for me to stay in her university dorm.

she keeps me sane.

she is as close to the definition of best friend as there can be.

 love you m'dear.

tears fall like raindrops; people do too.

i'm falling. 

faster and faster.

down and down. 

but you're not there to catch me.

maybe this is my fault. maybe karma has finally tracked me down.

either way, the ground is getting closer.

but i am already dazed and torn and broken. 

a sudden dose of the regretful kind of nostalgia.

i'm realising how many stupid mistakes i've made. the people i've hurt. 

i've been so naive. 

i'm torn. i'm two different people. we're attached by a heart and mind.  we're not team-players.

i'm my parent's daughter.

i'm a friend who listens. 

i'm a person who doesn't normally do impulsive things.

i'm a person who is starting to. 

i'm scared of who i'm becoming. i'm just scared.

i want to be better. i want to be seen as together, and strong, and fearless, and reliable. i want you to understand me. i want to let you in. i want to be seen as better than this.

i have no idea what's been happening. my mind is a mess. i'm realising it, with the days of silence. i need to sort everything out. 

dance to the emotions in your heart.

i find it harder to write when i'm in a mellow mood: neither bursting with joy, nor breaking down with tears.

words are so hard to find sometimes.

other times though. a feeling can be completely explained and jutified in just one sentence, one lyric. 

they say artists feel more than others. and partly i believe this to be true. but mostly, i think they have just solved the true means of explanation that we are all searching for. to transmit their feelings through their words, their images, their voice. 

a song can define your emotion, can reveal so many other emotions, can change people, can stop the world just for 3 minutes. people will listen, people will be inspired.

and in a way i envy this.

.............................................................................................................................................

Wales was really good, thank you to all for wishing me well.

My summer officially started on Thursday. Yaay! And finally landed some work experience, after a three month chase, in the environmental sector. So relieved.

a thousand different faces.

my walk home is filled with fascination. 

as you're on your own; wrapped up in thoughts; conjuring lists of the billion things that need to be done. 

people walk by.

tall.

short.

alone.

with pets.

sorrowful.

tired.

smiling.

each with their own story. that i will never know. and probably neither will the person behind me.

but doing this walk every day, you do start to see the same kind of people on route. 

no names, just 'the old man and his dog', 'the husband and wife', 'the guy on the bike'.

there is something poetic about that. the sense of familiarity. the fact that a person will say good morning to you. no judgement. no questions. no way of knowing where each is going. where you've been. just a smile. a smile to send you on your way to another day.

and there is something beautifully simple about the joy that provides.

so i ask you...


 

the rare day of summer.

sun. 

heat. 

shoes kicked off. 

lying on my back.
on a huge rug in the middle of the garden. 
sweet smell of grass.

sunglasses. 

lemonade. 

'99 red balloons' blaring from next door. 

hello sunshine. 

hello smiles.

hello summer days.

  

(off to wales tomorrow for five days. enjoy the week dear bloggers.)

hey, you know what?

it scares me sometimes. when something is said, and the small estimations you may have had in yourself, the things maybe you thought you were, hoped you were, become completely disheveled.

maybe i'm not intelligent.

maybe i don't express any confidence.

maybe i'm not worthy of being wanted, or being held.

maybe i really am only good enough to be used.

maybe i deserved everything that has happened to me.

i don't know. how are you to know how you appear in the eyes of others? how can you then have any belief in yourself? how do we pick ourselves back up?

why do we live a constant battle within?

thirty things that put a cherry on top of a smile:

1) the feeling of the sun warming you after a winter of cold.

2) the booklets inside of CD's.

3) the way you feel when you hit the pillow after a long day.

4) how blue the sky can be.

5) the overwhelming sense when you are just so happy, flying seems like a possibility.

6) the holiday morning feel.

7) the prospect of a friday night.

8) lying about in scruffs, letting the day pass, with movies and junk food.

9) when someone understands the way you are feeling.

10) when your favourite tv program comes back for a new series.

11) seeing money in your bank account.

12) knowing that recovery is possible.

13) liking something when no one understands why but accepts  it anyway.

14) when you throw your head back on a swing in motion.

15) dancing around the room like a complete maniac.

16) the prospect of a your favourite meal for tea.

17) finding a shop that has literally all your favourite things in.

18) curled up with a hot water bottle on a cold winter's night.

19) finally getting over some one and realising you have a better life without them in it.

20) waking up early and going for a walk before everyone else has woken.

21) getting something that you've wanted for so long.

22) a hug from someone you badly needed one from.

23) seeing that things can get better.

24) christmas season.

25) first snow of the season.

26) having a laugh and releasing everything.

27) receiving an unexpected text.

28) being caught in a freak heavy downpour.

29) when someone tells you they love you.

30) the small magical things in life. 

(i needed to insert a boost of cheer to my blog. i hope this brings smiles all around.)

just a p.s to shut the book.

i know you probably won't be reading this.

but i'm sorry.

i see why you did what you did now.

i understand my mistakes. my naivety. 

you were my weakness. 

i don't think i was too young to experience what we had. but i think i may have been in too deep.

the pain of you is no longer. i'm happy again. maybe not everyday. but i am happier.

i have people around me who care, who make me smile. and i know you do to. and i'm glad for you.

we both changed. for the better. we drifted. we were young. but we experienced. and i will always be grateful. 

at least a flight would have taken me somewhere, anywhere, everywhere.

i feel like i have jet lag, but i don't.

i feel like i'm floating, but i'm not.

i feel like i could sleep forever, but i can't.

i feel stagnant, and i don't understand.

i hurt.

i feel strange.

my dream was weird last night. 

my dream has scared me. 

the book i'm reading has made me think.

about life, and relationships; truth and lies. 

how things can begin in a second, how they can end just as fast. 

about the distinction of a day, how they can still blur as one.

of the loss of having nothing, of the empowerment of having at least a friend.

if i wrote down my life and read it back, would i be impressed? not so much. would you either? 

i hate thinking that much. 

i hate where i've led myself. 

i hate that this fear has returned. 

i need to get out.

i need to breathe. 

i want to go and walk in the rain. 

i want to drown my sorrows.

but i can't even do that.

i'm a different kind of jekyll and hyde.

it's decisions like these that make my situation so frustrating. not only do i have the frequent headaches and pains but the feeling at times that i'm lying to people; in a way disguising something, that i've had to accept is part of me. the worst part is that it holds me back. i can't do some of the things i was able to do and loved before. i always have to be on the alert. 

wind is the worst weather. 

at times it really hits home. that i'm different from others. have something wrong. i don't want sympathy. i just want it all back. to feel normal again. because at times it just wears me down. you have to wonder if i did something to deserve this. is it a punishment?

other times i think it's been a blessing in disguise. it's allowed me to learn who i am, meet people who are actually willing to help me, made me feel that little bit stronger. 

people say i was brave to keep it all together at the beginning, but in all honesty, it became part of my daily routine. it was hard at times. some days worse than others. times when i just wanted to curl into a ball; those days where everything goes wrong. self confidence was bad on those days. i am bad on those days.

i'm not saying it's major or life changing and there are worst things out there, but it's something i have, something i had no say about, something i have to deal with and something that makes me a different kind of 17 year old. 

and sometimes that's hard to smile about.

the reel of life.

every once in a while, routine annoys me. each day follows a similar strict timetable. we seem to go through life monotonously, constantly rushing, trying to please, waking, working, earning, spending. it never seems to stop. everything is so structured. you just want to break it all, break the rules, smash down those walls.

because until you do you're not really free. just tied down and following with the rest of them.

and that just seems like a waste.

go on, i dare you. 

so they invented the card game to keep you company.

alone.

small word. quiet definition. loud meaning.

being alone may mean solitary, in a room by yourself. left alone with your thoughts, in the quiet, to think, reflect. as the most annoying phrase goes: "some 'me' time". 

or moments when your not together with anyone, you're single, without that person to push you up a hill, or buy you drinks, kiss your forehead during the bad times, or just make your day that little bit brighter. 

but then there can be moments when you are surrounded by people, laughing and joking, but still feeling like the loneliest person around. 

finally, there are the moments when your heart is breaking, or you are going through something that no-one will understand. something that you really can't tell people. even though you want to so very badly.

i hate being alone. i don't like my thoughts, and i do need people to push me up hills, and pull me through the bad times. i don't trust myself to not break down.

but maybe once in a while we do need to be alone. to try and gain that trust. but ultimately to gain perspective that we're never truly alone. there will always be someone. someone to hug you. someone to help you. someone's shoulder to cry on. someone to talk to. 

even if it is your stuffed teddy...

there is always a little bit of strength out there, waiting for you, and that's the main thing.  

there's a whole lot of pencil tossing going on.

scared. determined. stressed. freaked. crazy. upset. 

world, accept or ignore my erratic mood swings over the next few days. 

many thanks. 

a strong hatred for exam season right now.

i'm sure even superman had a day off once in a while.

I'm not a slave, I'm a helping hand when things get tough.

I offer to do favours, but it's because your my friend and I care.

You may not be busy, but I sure as hell am. 

So let me do this in my own time. It won't take long and I don't break my promises. You should know that. I will do it, I will.

And a thank you might be nice to hear every so often.

call it a cliché(ic) analogy.

when i was little, our family would go to legoland every couple of years for a mini weekend break. we tended to stay in a hotel in windsor and drive to the park for the day. but that day was always great. we drove the mini lego cars and received our 'driver's licenses' at the end. i always felt so proud. 

but the thing i remember most about the day was the log flume. you may have been on it. i was, and still am, a chicken on rides. and that ride was the one i particularly hated. i always remember climbing slowly upwards with that same dread and anxiety, then reaching the top, breathing in deeply, shutting my eyes, and letting the log carry us down to the water on the other side. the impact always made me open my eyes, and instant laughter bubbled up.  and it was always the greatest feeling or relief and happiness washing over me and i realised that the climb had been completely worth it.

and let's just say, i can see why people refer to life as a rollercoaster. at the minute i'm slowly climbing upwards. and even though my stomach is twisting with nerves and stress and worry, i know that at some point i will start my descent on the rest of my life.

 

and i couldn't be more petrified. but i also can't be more exhilirated.

SELFCtrl.

the dictionary defines self control as:

noun

restraint: the ability to control your own behaviour, especially in terms of reactions and impulses.

 

but we don't have control. none of us.

control of our behaviour?  

during that moment when we just snap.

control of our heart? who we fall for?  

because your heart believes and tells, and your head questions.

control over where we'll end up? where we'll be later in life? 

if we did, we'd all be millionaires.

control over what we loose? control stopping our hearts from breaking?

if we did the world would be painless and overpopulated.

we don't have control. none of us. 

we can only make do with the little things. the self motivation, our commitment, to take as much from life as it gives us. just give up trying to keep everything in the balance and just hope that fate will control our destiny's. because life or something greater out there has the biggest control and power of us all.

and it certainly doesn't tell us all that in the dictionary...

feeling like a floating boat.

love that state of tiredness: curled up, warm, numb, happy, peaceful.

defined as bliss.

welcoming after a manic week.

i've been stumblin' in the dark.

i'm turning things around.

 

 you moving on is the greatest gift you could have given me. 

you gave me a way to loose all the possibility. you allowed me to live my 'what if?'
you have given me happy memories, and they will not be forgotten. you will always be on the pictures, and will always be a name that may jump into a particular conversation.

but news flash and cliché combined: life goes on. 

and i've succeeded. i've experienced the first. maybe of many. but i got through the hurt. and maybe yes, i do take a while to heal, but i did something that you were too scared to do. i felt. i allowed myself to feel. and i've realised that's not a bad thing.

so i am wall painting, and hair colour changing, and tidying and sorting and updating, 

but most of all smiling.

because things do change and things do get better and people do get through eventually, maybe longer than others, but they all do all the same.