apparently it's all here to challenge us. screw that.

i'm not over it. i'm not over it. i'm not over it. i'm not over it. i'm not over it.

I'm over it.  tell people what they want to hear. even if it breaks you inside.

i want to be over it.

god, this hurts. it shouldn't. i did exactly the same to him. this is never ending. i hate not seeing the end. i need someone to show me the end. i don't want to be sitting here worrying and crying. i'm better than this.
i hate you. i still love you. i still have a place for you. but you erased me. and i want to erase you.

please let me let this go. please.

this thing we call life is a confidence game.

i'm worried.
i have an ache in my stomach.
i want to cry.
i want to scream.
i want to sleep for a week.
i don't like that a part of me doesn't want to wake up.


failure is my biggest fear. fear is my biggest enemy. loss is the bulk of my nightmares.
dreams are my highest hope. 

every day is a new contradiction.

you promised me so many things. 

i believed you. you left.

guess all promises are total crap.

i thought i was past all of this. why has it all come back? why can't i block you out? why can't i erase my memories?

why do you still have a part of me?

i'd like to see the end of it now please. 

if you don't want to fall off the tightrope, just keep moving forward.

it's weird. weird how people come and go. they occupy a part of your life for a certain time, then before you realise it, they are not there as much anymore. off to occupy a part of someone else's world.
then again, it's what we believe. we don't know they don't ever think about us, or the moments we may have shared. but that's all it is now, a memory. it's sad if you really think about it. sad when you appreciate that these people had an effect on you, helped mold you into the person you are today. made you laugh, cry and live. it's hard to let them go and can be a mistake to let them. 
but it's like miss robinson says:

"it's how life works me is afraid hun. you learn from it and move on."  

and that's really all you can do. 

ramble, in it's purest context.

gaaaah.
i need to get out of this funk. i'm slowly becoming tired of myself. i want to yell at myself, kick myself; get myself back on the line. why is it one area of your life sorts itself out as fifty others unravel. i'm just sick of the pressure, of being tired. i am struggling, drowning inside. i need to pull myself out. prove that i'm worthy, because right now, i feel the complete opposite.

please, let me not just hear the noise, but see the city lights. 

not all memories are down the drain, some flutter in the wind.

i've been doing a few shoots for my photography project today. one of them was related to memories.
before though, i spent a while with my nan, sitting on the floor, with a box of old photographs on my lap, flipping through them. they were mostly black and white, from when my nan was a girl. they were beautiful with white borders and smiles peering back at you.
there was one image i singled out. she stood smiling at the camera in her flower-print dress. it was weird to think that this used to be her. little did she know then, that her granddaughter would be looking at this image 60 years later. little did she know that she would soon be meeting my grandad and end up happily married with him, that 10 years later she would have children. right then though, in that moment, she was probably just thinking, will this be a good picture? will it look like i'm smiling?

and that truly fascinates me.