As the sun sets in the west, it rises again in the east.

Lying on my bed like a slightly conventional teenager: laptop in front, country music blaring, boyfriend on Skype. 

This is the last weekend of my summer. I move out on Wednesday, and jump into a scene of parties, cooking, study, and wellies. The thought of university is daunting and exciting and saddening. 

New friends, new rooms, new prospects, new mistakes, new lessons. 

Here's to another change. 
Fingers crossed. 

Summer. I guess.

Life has suddenly shot away from me. 

My days are turning into hours at work, slaving away to scrape as much money as I can before August 3rd when I leave it; job hunting for a new source of income for uni; organising with lists of things I need to obtain, and organising my room and life which has been in a state for a year now; and trying to somehow talk to and see my family and friends; and amongst all: sleep. I am very tired. My waking hours are exhausting me. 

I cannot wait for August and my holidays. To unwind and relax and breathe. The stress will all be over. College=Done, Driving=Passed, Work=Finished.

My year will fall behind. I can almost taste the freedom and the sea.

Pounding head, and a pounding heart.

Last night I went and caught up with friends that I haven't seen in several months. It was lovely to talk and laugh, and I had a fair few drinks. It was nice to have the sensation of feeling out of control again. To have a break from everything. The drink hit my head, and on the train ride home, the rocking movement made me feel like I was flying in a sense. I couldn't stand still without the aid of a bar, and it was a beautiful and relaxed feeling. 

This morning I awoke. The light flooded in to my eyes, waking my brain back from it's daze. And I saw folders, and work, and the rest of my life. 

Seems like magic can only be here temporarily. 

But still. It was all totally worth it. 

Words, don't touch my lips.

For once, I don't trust myself with other people, and I actually wish to be alone. I don't feel like crying, or shouting or screaming. I don't want to express any emotions. I'm wound up tonight, by a cause that has shed little light on itself, but I'm wound up all the same. 

I feel like wallowing. 

Maybe sleeping. 

Though recently, sleeping is all I've wanted to do. 

I've had a lovely weekend. Full of smiles and love. 

But yet again, I'm not satisfied by it. 

I have a nice few days to look forward to this week. 

But still, I'm not excited by the prospects. 

I can't explain my moods. And having someone close enough to read your thoughts, is both a comfort and a danger. I don't want to scare him. I love him. And he loves me. I believe him. But surely there's only so much a person can take. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm lost. 

You're perfect.

I'm anything but. 

I want to talk to you. 

But I don't want you to listen. 

Maybe sleep really is the best way forward.

i think the sun's rays need to return; the winter darkness seems never-ending.

i have no idea what's going on at the minute.
my mind is in it's mode of termoil.

i am getting wound up by people, hurting people, for no apparent reason.

i have no reason.

but all i know is that i want to be selfsh. i don't want to talk. i want to just be by myself. 

i want to curl up in my bed, in my trackies and complete all my outstanding work.

yes, everyone is stressed. in someway out there everyone is worried about money, or health, or love or work. but for me it's time. and a lack of. i can get my work done. i just need time. i'm working all weekend again. yes, i may have the money, but what has my life dissolved to?

i feel like fun has evaporated. i was told tonight to cheer up. but i don't have the energy. i'm tired world! don't you get that! i don't feel like i have the energy to do another day, yet alone another week before i get a day off.

and to think they say all teens do is sit on their butts all day.
yes, that'd be nice.

and i don't give a damn how stupid this post may be or how insignificant it all is. but i'm mentally and physically exhausted.  so please, give me a flippin' break.

Let the music play, let everything else fall away.

I'm sitting here. 

Surrounded by work which I need to finish.

I'm tired. 

And aching.

With a full day of serving people ahead of me tomorrow.

But I'm sitting here at 00:00, with a pen in my hand trying to write about the population of California. 

And with that pen in my hand, I'm staring at the screen. 

At a video of Bon Jovi on YouTube, singing 'Bed of Roses'. 

And the drums are pulsing through me. 

And blocking out all the things I'm trying to ignore about the future. 

Tomorrow. Next week. The next few months. 

The space between now and freedom, that I want to very much ignore. 

Everything is testing me at the minute. 

And only a handful of people can see how much I am hating it.

And how introverted I am becoming.

Because I want to focus. 

More than anything. 

But I have people asking for cultery and favours in one ear, and others asking for advice in another. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love my friends. I love all those around me. I haven't been there for many of them recently. And I'm really sorry for that. I miss them. 

But this is all the time I have to get things right. And I am wearing myself down. I need to stop stretching myself and get caught up with everything that has fallen behind me. I need to start sorting myself and my life out first. 

And I don't want to have the fear that if I'm not there I will loose people along the way. I can't deal with drama's right now. Quite frankly, I feel like I can't deal with anything. 

Please world, understand. 

there is peace amidst the chaos.

it snowed yesterday. 

not blizzard style, or even more than 2 inches deep, but it snowed all the same. 

flake after flake until all flaws were covered in a white layer. 

i went to a party last night.

my boyfriend and i walked the 15 minutes journey. 

walked as the snow flurried around us. 

with layers of coat and scarfs and hoods, and my wellies. 

and we talked. just talked. and walked. until his eyelashes were glistening with water and my hair was plastered to my face. 

there was something beautiful about those 15 minutes. 

there are not many things in the world that can be called perfect. but last night. the snow. the smiles. the cake. it was a little like perfect. 

and i'm grateful moments like this come around once in a while. we all need refreshing.

i'm not asking for a miracle. i'm just asking for a day.

so here i am. 

back on blogger.

sitting in the middle of a deserted library, which holds at least a little warmth against the blistering cold of outside. and i can sit in the quiet and type. and let the minutes roll by. and let the streets busy up outside. and watch the sun rise. 

this is what i've needed.
peace.

aim of today: to try and sort my life out, one essay at a time. 

and i have to say, i'm feeling hopeful again.

i think i'm just hating january in general.

i'm s'posed to be happy right now.


but nothing feels real at the minute.
i have no feelings. no real thought-out sentences.


i know i haven't babbled on blogger for a while, but the truth is: for the last few weeks, i've felt more lost than ever. and no-one understands, because even i don't know the reasoning for it. i just feel different. and tired. and stressed. and not my 'independent' megan self.


and i don't like this feeling.


i'm scared.


scared by the fact, that this is what i've wanted.


and scared for the fact that i've lost my sense of joy. i just feel stupid, and plain, and sick of it all.


i'm throwing everything away. 


this isn't me. i don't do this. i don't leave things to the last minute. i don't ignore things. i feel like i'm giving up on everything i've worked for. i'm letting people down. hurting people and sub-consciously pushing people away because i can't deal. i can't understand why people dare to stick around. i'm a state. and at the end of the day, the person i'm most hurting is myself. and maybe it's because it's the only thing that seems to be a fair punishment for the trail of crap that i leave behind me. i don't deserve any of this. nothing. no-one.


_________________________________________________________________


i know this is an immature post, but it honestly feels like that's all i am at the minute.