i think i'm just hating january in general.

i'm s'posed to be happy right now.


but nothing feels real at the minute.
i have no feelings. no real thought-out sentences.


i know i haven't babbled on blogger for a while, but the truth is: for the last few weeks, i've felt more lost than ever. and no-one understands, because even i don't know the reasoning for it. i just feel different. and tired. and stressed. and not my 'independent' megan self.


and i don't like this feeling.


i'm scared.


scared by the fact, that this is what i've wanted.


and scared for the fact that i've lost my sense of joy. i just feel stupid, and plain, and sick of it all.


i'm throwing everything away. 


this isn't me. i don't do this. i don't leave things to the last minute. i don't ignore things. i feel like i'm giving up on everything i've worked for. i'm letting people down. hurting people and sub-consciously pushing people away because i can't deal. i can't understand why people dare to stick around. i'm a state. and at the end of the day, the person i'm most hurting is myself. and maybe it's because it's the only thing that seems to be a fair punishment for the trail of crap that i leave behind me. i don't deserve any of this. nothing. no-one.


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i know this is an immature post, but it honestly feels like that's all i am at the minute.