Let the music play, let everything else fall away.

I'm sitting here. 

Surrounded by work which I need to finish.

I'm tired. 

And aching.

With a full day of serving people ahead of me tomorrow.

But I'm sitting here at 00:00, with a pen in my hand trying to write about the population of California. 

And with that pen in my hand, I'm staring at the screen. 

At a video of Bon Jovi on YouTube, singing 'Bed of Roses'. 

And the drums are pulsing through me. 

And blocking out all the things I'm trying to ignore about the future. 

Tomorrow. Next week. The next few months. 

The space between now and freedom, that I want to very much ignore. 

Everything is testing me at the minute. 

And only a handful of people can see how much I am hating it.

And how introverted I am becoming.

Because I want to focus. 

More than anything. 

But I have people asking for cultery and favours in one ear, and others asking for advice in another. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I love my friends. I love all those around me. I haven't been there for many of them recently. And I'm really sorry for that. I miss them. 

But this is all the time I have to get things right. And I am wearing myself down. I need to stop stretching myself and get caught up with everything that has fallen behind me. I need to start sorting myself and my life out first. 

And I don't want to have the fear that if I'm not there I will loose people along the way. I can't deal with drama's right now. Quite frankly, I feel like I can't deal with anything. 

Please world, understand. 

there is peace amidst the chaos.

it snowed yesterday. 

not blizzard style, or even more than 2 inches deep, but it snowed all the same. 

flake after flake until all flaws were covered in a white layer. 

i went to a party last night.

my boyfriend and i walked the 15 minutes journey. 

walked as the snow flurried around us. 

with layers of coat and scarfs and hoods, and my wellies. 

and we talked. just talked. and walked. until his eyelashes were glistening with water and my hair was plastered to my face. 

there was something beautiful about those 15 minutes. 

there are not many things in the world that can be called perfect. but last night. the snow. the smiles. the cake. it was a little like perfect. 

and i'm grateful moments like this come around once in a while. we all need refreshing.

i'm not asking for a miracle. i'm just asking for a day.

so here i am. 

back on blogger.

sitting in the middle of a deserted library, which holds at least a little warmth against the blistering cold of outside. and i can sit in the quiet and type. and let the minutes roll by. and let the streets busy up outside. and watch the sun rise. 

this is what i've needed.
peace.

aim of today: to try and sort my life out, one essay at a time. 

and i have to say, i'm feeling hopeful again.