this is all a vicious circle.

maybe carefully treading around is not the attitude needed.

maybe i should just get out there. 

add more control. 

things shouldn't be always out of my grasp.

i should be capable to lean out and reach them.

balance everything. 

stop blaming others for the worry and fear inside of me. 

stop hiding away. stop thinking about the reasons.

do something about it all.

get moving.

stop thinking that tomorrow will be better, when it won't be. not until i fix my today. 

why not i guess?

why not...

do you remember how it used to be? yes, i miss the simplicity.

the world is spinning too much. 

i can't keep up. 

things are twisting, changing, evolving. 

i'm trapped. 

trapped in the past. 

alone.

washed out.

dis-used.

just tired.

of being the odd one. 

i'm swallowed by self pity and regret. 

i'm going back and forth. 

the inability to seize a moment.

gaining hope, loosing it just as fast. 

i can't hang on much longer. 

my eyes are leaking. 

my smile is fading.

i can't stop my self spinning off and falling again.

i need someone. someone to sweep in. tomorrow would be nice.
and stop me from falling or swaying. to help keep me standing.  


i don't want anyone in the past to come back and hold me. i can't go back there. i'm tired of the past, of my great pile of regrets.  

i need the future's arms to embrace me. find me. save me. soon.

not just for one night. but maybe two for a nice change. 

let's hear it for the seventh day!

i love sundays.

a day singled out during the week. a day that is supposedly assigned as a 'day of rest'.

you hear stories from parents are grandparents stating that this used to be a universal understanding. people spent time with their families, enjoyed each other's company, all shops were closed, many went to church. 

our chaotic lifestyles these days, can take away this peaceful magic of a sunday. 

but something my parents have always been adamant on though, is that a sunday will always remain a sunday:

lie-ins.

sunday dinner, huge roast with a bucketful of gravy.

lazing in the garden, listening to cricket, during a british summer.

hauled inside, watching a movie, during a british winter.

visiting the family. 

re-charging for the forthcoming monday. 

and i'm very glad they agree.

i've been, and returned, and enjoyed.

going away, even to a familiar place, is the best way to cleanse your soul. 

breathe in the salty air,

allow the sun to warm you,

re-acquaint yourself with 'family fun',

eat your favourite foods,

add a dose of heritage and history to your sight and mind,

experience the different pace of life.

the refreshing feeling of being separated from chaos and routine, even if it's only for a week, is always wonderful.

one day things will fall quiet, and we may just have it all.

we can all go crazy.

act without a care.

stand independently. 

stand invincible to the hurt.

get drunk.

get stupid.

sleep the days away. 

laugh until it hurts.

cry in the same way.

but deep down we all never remove that need for a person to truly care. 

in a way that isn't as perfect as movie love, but is as true as reality can make it. and i guess that's what keeps us breathing. with that hope that things improve and can happen. and sometimes that beautiful realisation can be in the smallest moment. sometimes all it takes is a kind word, a grey t-shirt and a set of ear-rings. because life can't always disappoint.

................................................................................................................................................................................

sorry for the lack of posts. i've been searching for words that i just couldn't find. 

i just know things are better. i'm better. things have changed and evolved, but i'm happy.

my fear is subsiding oh so slowly. i don't think i'm returning to who i was, because now i believe that no-one really can. we change. it's the inevitable. and maybe that really is okay.

thank you to all have commented on posts recently. i love you all.