feeling like a floating boat.

love that state of tiredness: curled up, warm, numb, happy, peaceful.

defined as bliss.

welcoming after a manic week.

i've been stumblin' in the dark.

i'm turning things around.

 

 you moving on is the greatest gift you could have given me. 

you gave me a way to loose all the possibility. you allowed me to live my 'what if?'
you have given me happy memories, and they will not be forgotten. you will always be on the pictures, and will always be a name that may jump into a particular conversation.

but news flash and cliché combined: life goes on. 

and i've succeeded. i've experienced the first. maybe of many. but i got through the hurt. and maybe yes, i do take a while to heal, but i did something that you were too scared to do. i felt. i allowed myself to feel. and i've realised that's not a bad thing.

so i am wall painting, and hair colour changing, and tidying and sorting and updating, 

but most of all smiling.

because things do change and things do get better and people do get through eventually, maybe longer than others, but they all do all the same.

world, if you're listening, just hear me out.

i don't know.

maybe i do feel things deeply. but sometimes i wonder if i keep it buried. i think that's why i go through spells of emotion. eventually i just can't keep it in any longer and i breakdown. i loose my confidence, my sense of belonging. i'm my biggest enemy and no-one realises how much.

i let people walk all over me. use me for a day. i'm there for people 24/7. whenever they need a friend, advice, a shoulder to cry on. i care so much for others. i don't give a toss how it affects me. but sometimes i need the help and it'd be nice to know how many of those people would do the same for me. who gives a FUCKING SHIT about me?

i'm loosing all spirit. i really shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts. i smile, i laugh, i keep trying, keep the brave face on, but at the minute i don't seem to get to a happy place. i get others there, make sure they are there, but where am i left? yes. right here. writing this.

i want to get out, sit on a beach and cry and cry and cry until i have created my own ocean.

i know this isn't the greatest read and really it's just a stream of consciousness. and i apologise. but i have so much weighing me down right now. i just needed to get part of it out. we all have our moments. and at the minute, i'm going through mine. so please, world, if you're listening, hear me out.

go on, blow that fanfare. i dare you.

today is bad.

i don't need to talk. i can't talk. i'm the one that needs to sort this. but i can't gather the strength to start.

thoughts are messed up. i'm messed up. i'm so different and i hate it.  
I FREAKING HATE IT!

a sign of hope would be nice.

sometimes life really is down the drain.