i'm a different kind of jekyll and hyde.

it's decisions like these that make my situation so frustrating. not only do i have the frequent headaches and pains but the feeling at times that i'm lying to people; in a way disguising something, that i've had to accept is part of me. the worst part is that it holds me back. i can't do some of the things i was able to do and loved before. i always have to be on the alert. 

wind is the worst weather. 

at times it really hits home. that i'm different from others. have something wrong. i don't want sympathy. i just want it all back. to feel normal again. because at times it just wears me down. you have to wonder if i did something to deserve this. is it a punishment?

other times i think it's been a blessing in disguise. it's allowed me to learn who i am, meet people who are actually willing to help me, made me feel that little bit stronger. 

people say i was brave to keep it all together at the beginning, but in all honesty, it became part of my daily routine. it was hard at times. some days worse than others. times when i just wanted to curl into a ball; those days where everything goes wrong. self confidence was bad on those days. i am bad on those days.

i'm not saying it's major or life changing and there are worst things out there, but it's something i have, something i had no say about, something i have to deal with and something that makes me a different kind of 17 year old. 

and sometimes that's hard to smile about.

the reel of life.

every once in a while, routine annoys me. each day follows a similar strict timetable. we seem to go through life monotonously, constantly rushing, trying to please, waking, working, earning, spending. it never seems to stop. everything is so structured. you just want to break it all, break the rules, smash down those walls.

because until you do you're not really free. just tied down and following with the rest of them.

and that just seems like a waste.

go on, i dare you. 

so they invented the card game to keep you company.

alone.

small word. quiet definition. loud meaning.

being alone may mean solitary, in a room by yourself. left alone with your thoughts, in the quiet, to think, reflect. as the most annoying phrase goes: "some 'me' time". 

or moments when your not together with anyone, you're single, without that person to push you up a hill, or buy you drinks, kiss your forehead during the bad times, or just make your day that little bit brighter. 

but then there can be moments when you are surrounded by people, laughing and joking, but still feeling like the loneliest person around. 

finally, there are the moments when your heart is breaking, or you are going through something that no-one will understand. something that you really can't tell people. even though you want to so very badly.

i hate being alone. i don't like my thoughts, and i do need people to push me up hills, and pull me through the bad times. i don't trust myself to not break down.

but maybe once in a while we do need to be alone. to try and gain that trust. but ultimately to gain perspective that we're never truly alone. there will always be someone. someone to hug you. someone to help you. someone's shoulder to cry on. someone to talk to. 

even if it is your stuffed teddy...

there is always a little bit of strength out there, waiting for you, and that's the main thing.  

there's a whole lot of pencil tossing going on.

scared. determined. stressed. freaked. crazy. upset. 

world, accept or ignore my erratic mood swings over the next few days. 

many thanks. 

a strong hatred for exam season right now.

i'm sure even superman had a day off once in a while.

I'm not a slave, I'm a helping hand when things get tough.

I offer to do favours, but it's because your my friend and I care.

You may not be busy, but I sure as hell am. 

So let me do this in my own time. It won't take long and I don't break my promises. You should know that. I will do it, I will.

And a thank you might be nice to hear every so often.

call it a cliché(ic) analogy.

when i was little, our family would go to legoland every couple of years for a mini weekend break. we tended to stay in a hotel in windsor and drive to the park for the day. but that day was always great. we drove the mini lego cars and received our 'driver's licenses' at the end. i always felt so proud. 

but the thing i remember most about the day was the log flume. you may have been on it. i was, and still am, a chicken on rides. and that ride was the one i particularly hated. i always remember climbing slowly upwards with that same dread and anxiety, then reaching the top, breathing in deeply, shutting my eyes, and letting the log carry us down to the water on the other side. the impact always made me open my eyes, and instant laughter bubbled up.  and it was always the greatest feeling or relief and happiness washing over me and i realised that the climb had been completely worth it.

and let's just say, i can see why people refer to life as a rollercoaster. at the minute i'm slowly climbing upwards. and even though my stomach is twisting with nerves and stress and worry, i know that at some point i will start my descent on the rest of my life.

 

and i couldn't be more petrified. but i also can't be more exhilirated.

SELFCtrl.

the dictionary defines self control as:

noun

restraint: the ability to control your own behaviour, especially in terms of reactions and impulses.

 

but we don't have control. none of us.

control of our behaviour?  

during that moment when we just snap.

control of our heart? who we fall for?  

because your heart believes and tells, and your head questions.

control over where we'll end up? where we'll be later in life? 

if we did, we'd all be millionaires.

control over what we loose? control stopping our hearts from breaking?

if we did the world would be painless and overpopulated.

we don't have control. none of us. 

we can only make do with the little things. the self motivation, our commitment, to take as much from life as it gives us. just give up trying to keep everything in the balance and just hope that fate will control our destiny's. because life or something greater out there has the biggest control and power of us all.

and it certainly doesn't tell us all that in the dictionary...