i'm a different kind of jekyll and hyde.

it's decisions like these that make my situation so frustrating. not only do i have the frequent headaches and pains but the feeling at times that i'm lying to people; in a way disguising something, that i've had to accept is part of me. the worst part is that it holds me back. i can't do some of the things i was able to do and loved before. i always have to be on the alert. 

wind is the worst weather. 

at times it really hits home. that i'm different from others. have something wrong. i don't want sympathy. i just want it all back. to feel normal again. because at times it just wears me down. you have to wonder if i did something to deserve this. is it a punishment?

other times i think it's been a blessing in disguise. it's allowed me to learn who i am, meet people who are actually willing to help me, made me feel that little bit stronger. 

people say i was brave to keep it all together at the beginning, but in all honesty, it became part of my daily routine. it was hard at times. some days worse than others. times when i just wanted to curl into a ball; those days where everything goes wrong. self confidence was bad on those days. i am bad on those days.

i'm not saying it's major or life changing and there are worst things out there, but it's something i have, something i had no say about, something i have to deal with and something that makes me a different kind of 17 year old. 

and sometimes that's hard to smile about.