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23.6.11

hey, you know what?

it scares me sometimes. when something is said, and the small estimations you may have had in yourself, the things maybe you thought you were, hoped you were, become completely disheveled.

maybe i'm not intelligent.
maybe i don't express any confidence.
maybe i'm not worthy of being wanted, or being held.
maybe i really am only good enough to be used.
maybe i deserved everything that has happened to me.

i don't know. how are you to know how you appear in the eyes of others? how can you then have any belief in yourself? how do we pick ourselves back up?

why do we live a constant battle within?


17.6.11

thirty things that put a cherry on top of a smile:

1) the feeling of the sun warming you after a winter of cold.

2) the booklets inside of CD's.

3) the way you feel when you hit the pillow after a long day.

4) how blue the sky can be.

5) the overwhelming sense when you are just so happy, flying seems like a possibility.

6) the holiday morning feel.

7) the prospect of a friday night.

8) lying about in scruffs, letting the day pass, with movies and junk food.

9) when someone understands the way you are feeling.

10) when your favourite tv program comes back for a new series.

11) seeing money in your bank account.

12) knowing that recovery is possible.

13) liking something when no one understands why but accepts  it anyway.

14) when you throw your head back on a swing in motion.

15) dancing around the room like a complete maniac.

16) the prospect of a your favourite meal for tea.

17) finding a shop that has literally all your favourite things in.

18) curled up with a hot water bottle on a cold winter's night.

19) finally getting over some one and realising you have a better life without them in it.

20) waking up early and going for a walk before everyone else has woken.

21) getting something that you've wanted for so long.

22) a hug from someone you badly needed one from.

23) seeing that things can get better.

24) christmas season.

25) first snow of the season.

26) having a laugh and releasing everything.

27) receiving an unexpected text.

28) being caught in a freak heavy downpour.

29) when someone tells you they love you.

30) the small magical things in life. 




(i needed to insert a boost of cheer to my blog. i hope this brings smiles all around.)

9.6.11

just a p.s to shut the book.

i know you probably won't be reading this.

but i'm sorry.

i see why you did what you did now.

i understand my mistakes. my naivety. 

you were my weakness. 

i don't think i was too young to experience what we had. but i think i may have been in too deep.

the pain of you is no longer. i'm happy again. maybe not everyday. but i am happier.

i have people around me who care, who make me smile. and i know you do to. and i'm glad for you.

we both changed. for the better. we drifted. we were young. but we experienced. and i will always be grateful. 

5.6.11

at least a flight would have taken me somewhere, anywhere, everywhere.

i feel like i have jet lag, but i don't.
i feel like i'm floating, but i'm not.
i feel like i could sleep forever, but i can't.
i feel stagnant, and i don't understand.

i hurt.
i feel strange.

my dream was weird last night. 
my dream has scared me. 

the book i'm reading has made me think.
about life, and relationships; truth and lies. 
how things can begin in a second, how they can end just as fast. 
about the distinction of a day, how they can still blur as one.
of the loss of having nothing, of the empowerment of having at least a friend.
if i wrote down my life and read it back, would i be impressed? not so much. would you either? 

i hate thinking that much. 
i hate where i've led myself. 
i hate that this fear has returned. 
i need to get out.
i need to breathe. 
i want to go and walk in the rain. 
i want to drown my sorrows.
but i can't even do that.